Friday, September 16, 2005


Well, as you can tell from my last blog title - this hasn't been the best of weeks (lots of frustration - esp when the actual blog did not post, only the title). But - things are much better now thanks to some awesome friends. Tuesday evening I hashed it out with a good friend from college and lets just say that our conversation really hit home. This week has been so long, busy and frustrating that everything just boiled up and spilled over and since I am slightly emotionally handicapped (I'm working on it folks) I just didn't know what to do with all of the emotion! But like I said - the conversation helped immensely. Of course, to top it off, I was having self-esteem issues which are all too common in everyone's life, so I started reading this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Edwards (John is the guy who wrote Wild At Heart). My friends Nicole and Lindsie had been talking about it for a while and when Nic came to visit Wed night I read the first 2 chapters - I couldn't put it down! It is so revealing! And I really feel like this will help me really discover and understand myself, hopefully resulting in a better Christian, a non-emotionally handicapped Christian. So I want to share what this book is teaching me...

Chapter one discussed the self-doubt that most women have and it was insanely correct because after almost every sentence I said "yes" or "that is so true." Chapter 2 discussed the role of Eve - or at least the role she was supposed to play before the crap hit the fan. And Chapter 3 is the one I will discuss today, entitled "Haunted by a Question"

"We [women] struggle to know if we matter at all....If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children....most women doub very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil....[so we say] Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide....We are more keenly aware of our own shortcomings that anyone else."
Sound familiar? It sure did to me! But hold on it gets better
"Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? [no]....Most women hate vulnerability [right on!]. We are not inviting--we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security."
I hate being vulnerable - to ANYONE! That was the problem Tuesday night. I hate it so much that I struggle to be truly vulnerable and broken before God. Though I can't say that I try to hide myself, I am afraid of being seen - of people realizing who I am and rejecting me. Then the book goes on to describe the 2 types of women that have resulted from the fall from grace and this need for protection: the dominante and the desolate. I am a combination of the two.
The dominant woman "doesn't need anyone--especially a man." How many times have I said this, in passing, when referring to my love life? (or lack thereof). The desolate woman hides behind clothing and work because "seh does not believe she is worth paying attention to....[she] dismisses every compliment....[she] hides behind [her] humor....[she] will not risk rejectino or looking like a fool." Finally, "to hide means to remain safe, to hurt hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broke and desperate hearts."
wow. For all of the self-loathing that I am guilty of, I never once realized that I wasn't returning to God, that I should present him with my broken spirit instead of trying to hide behind a facade of strength. You would think that would be enough to learn for a chapter...but no. Then they went on to talk about indulging - something I NEVER thought I was guilty of!
"The deep longings in our hearts just won't go away. And so we indulge. We buy ourselves something nice when we aren't feeling appreciated. We 'allow' ourselves ... something when we are lonely....we give our hearts away ... instead of giving them to the heart of God....We imagine meaningful conversations or difficult ones where we speak brilliantly....too many movies [ouch - I had just bought Pretty Woman earlier this week to "make myself feel better"]When we camp our hearts in self-doubt, condemning thoughts, or even shame because those emotions have become familiar and comfortable, we are faithlessly indulging rather than allowing our deep ache to draw us to God....Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us inchains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice....We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God....[woman fears] that she will be abandonded....We do not first bring our heart's Question (am I lovely? do you see me? do you want to see me? are you captivated by what you find in me?)to God, and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so everyone woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."
Wow! That is all I can say. At least now I know that I am not crazy nor am I alone. That is comforting. So now I need to work on some stuff - and I will have to read more to figure out how and what to do. But basically, everything boils down to trusting God - accepting our feelings and desires and fears and presenting them to Him as an offering. But boy is that hard!
Well, Im gonna head home and sleep before the Rangers game tonight - have fun everyone!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Photo Sites Biggest Gainers From Blogs
Teens, in particular, have become huge devotees to photo-sharing sites and have made blogging with photos a part of their social networking repertoire.
I'm just looking around and found you....nice little blog it is too :-).. most of my time goes on my Virus related site Virus is my