Monday, May 23, 2005


Well, I had to take my roommate to the airport tonight. Talk about a bummer. It was so good to have her here, I especially enjoyed for her to be able to see my world and be a part of it. I've been living here for 3 years come ... well what do you know? It was 3 years as of last Wed. Anyway - she hadnt been able to visit me until just now and I think it sort of solidified things. I dont know if that makes sense to you - but it does to me. You see, I have witnessed her world-seen her day-to-day goings on and met her friends, that helps me understand where she is coming from and what is going on in her life. It also makes me realize that she definately has her own life now. I too have my own life - but I often feel like the "one who moved away." Like my being here is some sort of mistake. I feel (or have felt) like a misplaced item-a library book on the wrong shelf-the missing sock. Like the world as it should be is back where I came from, not where I am; I am just floundering about in some meaningless/nonexistent existence. (woo woo for paradoxes) Anyway - I like that she came and was able to witness my life - gives me a smidge more meaning, as though I have established myself on the face of the earth (ha - even though i still live with my parents).

Speaking of meaning..(coca cola is good) I really enjoyed the sermon this week at church. The sermons have been a part of a series titled "follow the leader" - all about how we are called to FOLLOW Christ. Not sit in the audience listening to sermons but actually getting up and following Him. Since I moved here I have felt as though I have been in a state of limbo. Neither coming nor going, doing apparantly nothing other than wasting 02. I have always desired to do something great for the Kingdom of Heaven (great movie by the way) but I feel like Im always waiting for that perfect opportunity. When I came back from Costa Rica my junior year of college, I was so on fire for God. I had so many plans and dreams of what I wanted to do, of how I wanted to help. Compassion had been renewed within me (I have difficulty showing emotion so basically that means that I was "ok" with stepping outside myself and demonstrating those emotions outwardly in a Christlike manner) and I really had hope. I had courage. I knew I would have to take certain steps and I felt I then had the courage to do so. But upon my return I was attacked by the evil one. I was reaquainted with Grief and Pain and it sent me into a state of shock. Not exactly a "downward" spiral, but definately a severe and utter stop. I felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean in the middle of a storm and it was all I could do to stay afloat, much less actually swim. Since that time I have lingered ... drifting in and out of depressed-like states, feeling as though I had lost. Though the storm has "subsided" I still felt breathless, out of energy, barely afloat...treading water in the same spot. Though I wanted to Follow Christ, I did not feel I had the strength nor opportunity. So sometime around August of last year I resigned myself to fact that I am probably going to be here for a while. I had looked for some jobs out-of-state and nothing was turning up so I accepted the job here at Naaman. After reading some John Piper I decided to accept the Student Council job at the school for next year (which scares me to death-but Im doing it - hopefully that is where he wants me to "follow") and on top of that I decided to do the apprentice teacher thing at church (which Sunday was my first time teaching - it wasnt great but it wasnt terrible) and Im slightly petrified of that as well. But - the sermon has been speaking to me and affirming that I am actually supposed to be doing these things. So, Im excited about seeing what this next year has in store for me. Keep me in your prayers.

Shanny I miss you already - love ya and come see me again soon!