live a little...

its raining...

2008-06-19T10:55:00.002-05:00

so i finally used my gift card for a free one-hour massage at massage envy today. i got it for christmas from my stu co officers 2 years ago (ok - well 2 christmases anyway...wow - how do you pluralize christmas???) gee i'm glad there was no expiration date! it was pretty good. relaxing. they play that soft naturey music and lucky for me it was raining outside, so that added to the ambience. however, sometimes i felt like she just didn't quite finish getting the knots out. i love metaphors, so here's one for ya: massages are like haunted houses. you have to do some serious work to 'exercise the demons' so-to-speak. sometimes you just do enough to piss them off. same with muscles. you have to do some SERIOUS work to work out the knots, and if that work isn't completed then you've really just aggravated the muscle. we shall see - hopefully i'll still feel ok in an hour.

sadness though...i went camping a couple of weeks ago and a REALLY BAD picture was taken of me. i have worked to make sure that picture never sees the light of day, but it was posted to photobucket today and now the whole world can view. i don't think people quite understand. some people are gorgeous and some people aren't. sometimes it doesn't matter either way because some people are photogenic and others aren't (this can happen to people of both categories). so when you are neither gorgeous nor photogenic, you work real hard to pass for decent, and when a bad pic is taken, you just want it erased! its even worse when people say 'no, its a good picture, you look fine.' you konw what that means don't you? it means that every second of every day you look that nasty. frankly that makes me feel like putting a paper bag over my head every time i go out in public. as long as i don't have to see unflattering pictures of myself, then i don't think i look that bad which gives me more confidence in public, which i like. oh well, we can't have it all.

so i need to figure out how to post pics within a blog. that would be fun.

on a good note...i've been getting some good hang time with friends lately. yay for that! i'm so not used to it, i haven't been able to hang out like this in at least 2 years...crazy!

musings...

2008-06-18T21:45:00.003-05:00

once again i find that i am bothered for no apparent reason. i believe 'brooding' is the correct term.

we've been studying Jonah in church and something about it upset me tonight. well, in general i can say that i have had a difficult time paying attention lately, i'm easily distracted by anything and everything. every now and again i'll realize i wasn't paying attention and then i wonder 'what on earth did i miss?' and what the heck am i thinking about while being distracted? anyway - beside the point right? so back to the lesson. here's the skinny:

jonah represents the church. when called by God to bring his light to a metropolitan area full of sinners, he becomes upset at the prospect of the people actually repenting and God showing mercy upon them instead of giving them what they deserve. so what does he do? he turns and runs in the opposite direction, to the farthest known point on the map from where God is calling him. one of the points the pastor is making is that the church runs and hides from where it is truly needed. we leave people to their own defenses. (ouch)

so jonah gets on the boat, goes below deck and falls asleep. meanwhile a storm ensues. the people on the boat use every possible means known to them to escape the storm, but to no avail. point: when we disobey, the world suffers for it. point: the world is seeking a solution to its own demise, but cannot find that solution on its own.

so the men on the boat ask jonah for help. and he tells them, 'yes, it is because of me. i serve the God of the universe and i am running from him and the only way to stop this storm is to throw me overboard.' and yet he is unwilling to do this. if he really feared the Lord, then he should have taken that step himself, but instead he tells them that they will have to do it, and they do the one thing he cannot do: they have compassion on him and seek another way out...which of course fails. eventually, after crying out to God they throw him overboard and the storm subsides and they decide to honor this God they have just met.

so jonah is like us. running away. unable to have compassion. caught up in our own lives. ignoring the chaos around us. seeking solace in church instead of being the church to those who are really in need. (ouch) withholding talents, time, and resources from people who are truly lost.

so what do we do about it? we go into the world as we are commanded and begin meeting people where they are, loving them, having compassion on them, and bringing them news of a savior.

so whats my problem? man, i don't know. it is easy for me to want to do everything and yet do nothing. confused as to where i should spend my time, i remain idle. why does this bother me so much when i have taken such huge steps (in my mind) to fulfill that calling? maybe its because i'm not there yet, and i still feel idle. maybe its because i feel selfish. there are things i don't want to give up. i think its impossible to stretch myself so far and there is no way i am smart enough, strong enough, wise enough, or kind enough to actually carry out what it is i am called to do. and why can't i really realize that of course that is all true, but it should not deter me because it is Christ within me who will give me what i need to do His will.

I think it was Aldous Huxley who once said "there is all the difference in the world between believing academically, with the intellect, and believing personally, intimately, with the whole living self." this is where i get hung up. how do i cross that line from head to heart?

a song we sang had the line "ruin my life, the plans I have made. ruin desires for my own selfish gain. destroy the idols that have taken Your place 'till its You alone i live for, You alone i live for." man i want this to be true for me. and yet it is still so hard.

why am i awake?

2008-05-19T23:02:00.002-05:00

So....I have TONS of homework to do. But instead, I'm playing around on facebook. Logic? absent.
Bones made me sad tonight. Maybe that is why I'm not working. Eh. Oh well.
So, other stuff. The future looms before me. I wonder what I will be doing? or where I will be going? I especially wonder how everything is going to play out in the next few months. I'm trying to make decisions regarding time, and its hard. I know I should probably get a job as soon as school is out, but that means I wont be able to see the baby when she arrives. Mom, Catey, and the rest really want me to be there - but I know they were planning on a 2 - 3 week stay. I know they will need the help. I know it will be one of my last chances ot spend time with the kids. But how can I do that if I need a job? And how am I going to pay ANY bills? There are so many things I need to do to get things started, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the energy. I cant wait for a break-but should I even take one? And do I need more schooling? I still haven't been officially invited anywhere...and I know before I will be I have to go get a physical (i hate dr's offices!)
I guess there are just many things that I am unsure of right now. Hopefully some of them will clear up. I'm also worried about some of my friends, and I don't know how to approach them with my concerns. I really need to pray that I can be so in tune with the Spirit that I will know what to do and when to do it...but until then I just feel...unsettled...

you know whats amazing???

2008-03-13T20:41:00.002-05:00

...the internet. yes, thats right. after jumping through a few hoops, here i am, back on my blog that i havent touched in, yes, TWO years. craziness. so much has happened since then it is ridiculous, so im not gonna bother with the details...

on to today....

as always, my best times for blogging are when im upset. and the fact that i dont get to sit in a real chair while using the computer doenst exactly make matters better (the back pain adds to the headache you know?)

i think im sick of the holding pattern - so to speak. yes, i am once again referring to my relationship status. you know what i hate hearing? i hate hearing married women saying "i finally decided to just quit looking - and thats when i found him!" i seriously wonder how true that is. heres the facts: i dont look! or i didnt. my friends trained me to look for the ring, which made me more observant. but still - no more interest than when im driving down a road and realize there is a building erected on a previously vacant spot. i think "huh, where did that come from?" and i drive on and never notice it again. so sure - i notice guys. and i think "huh, i wonder what his story is?" and i move on and forget about it. if thats not looking, i dont know what is (or isn't???) do you feel me here? (and yes, i realize no one reads this and im talking to myself...but as i used to tell my students, talking to myself makes for good conversation) so here i am. moving forward in life, taking huge steps as far as my life is concerned, and what happens? a blip on the radar. a blip that wont go away. do you realize i havent had a crush since college? i mean - i dont even remember what its like to have a crush or how to behave myself! its ridiculous! its absurd! its distracting! and yet - there is still that pervading feeling (its raised from the dead b/c i know i suffocated it YEARS ago) that maybe, just maybe, this person could like me. wouldnt that be a trip? im a very logical person, and i KNOW it wont happen. i KNOW there is no way i will even be noticed unless i magically lose 50lbs or the entire world population disappears and i am the only one left standing. so my mind screams for me to drop it. i avoid the person. i make sure im not in the same room as the person. i am even convinced that this person is enfatuated with another person, but still that stupid feeling rises up....i would call it hope - but that word has too much of a good connotation. hope should never describe something so stupid and frivolous...bleh - i need a coke (the drink of course! geez what do you take me for)

so that little rant really doesnt mean anything. it is a grain of sand on the beach of my life. right now, things are good. i wonder what will happen with me...i wonder where i will end up...i wonder if i will ever be able to transcribe mandarin (one of my classes right now)...i wonder where i will be in 5 years. ive been thinking a lot about unity lately. it seems to be the topic of every church service i attend. ive also been thinking about the rich young ruler. we live in a material world and im a material girl...no - i dont look it, but i am. more than ever lately ive been thinking of what i will have to "give up" but i really need to see that none of it is mine anyway. in that sense, would it even be considered "turning my back" on these things? this is something i must think about further...right now it is a fuzzy cloud in my head...eventually i will make some sense of it...

my show is on now...peace

Conflicting Feelings

2006-06-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

The sickening feeling in my stomach has only increased since the moment I walked into this room at 9:00am this morning. This must be the physical manifestation of the word "dread." The scary things is that I'm not exactly sure to which decision this dread can be attributed. I do know that though I am ready (and even willing) to work on school stuff, the passion and/or excitement over my subject area has diminished greatly, if not vanished completely. I feel the need to work hard and fast to prepare for my replacement, but cannot discern whether or not I have internally decided what that replacement will be needed. A part of me feels that if I provide a "sub plan" it will lessen the anger or resentment that those I leave behind will feel towards me. But then I realize that all of what that part of me is feeling is based on my immediate departure. Have I made that decision? It certainly was not my original intention, nor did I seriously consider it during my tour of the facilities last week. And now I'm questioning my motivation. I mean, is this really what I want to do? And why? And what on Earth is God's will in all of this? I've already laid down the criterion that I will not make this move unless it is made absolutely clear to me that I am supposed to do so. And now, halfway through the afternoon, all I can think of or feel is that I don't want to be here or continue to do this. And I'm in a room full of people describing how hard and draining our job is. Do I see myself doing this for the next 30 years? Or, much less, the next year? And does my conflict stem from my lack of passion or my abhorrence of constantly draining work? And why even consider this change when I know that the life I would be choosing will be ten times more difficult that anything I have experienced thus far. I feel an urgency to express my feelings to someone because I feel like I desperately need someone to "talk me down." I want a logical and rational explanation to all of this accompanied by a logical and rational final decision as to what I should do.

sick day

2006-02-28T22:08:00.000-06:00

i stayed home sick today - something i havent done in a while. boy did i need it. work/life has been so stressful lately, and i needed an extra day of sleep, which is pretty much all that i did. God is so good to me. I have a tendency to screw things up, but he always rights them again. when i feel overwhelmed, all i have to do is hand everything over to Him and i know He will make it all better. the problem is that i dont always remember to do this. i need more structure and organization in my life, so i can enjoy life more. i need to spend time in the word and in prayer, this is the foundation of everything. i need to be able to work out, for my health. i need to have time to write, to allow for my own creative expression and to boost my self-image. i need to have time to read, because this is what relaxes me the most and this is how i learn. i also need to have time to grade, so it doesnt pile up on me at the end of the grading period. im going to pray that God will make this all possible. i know He can. but, even in the midst of chaos, i need to learn to fully trust and rely upon Him, without waiting for this perfect schedule/lifestyle to materialize. We tend to grow so conditionally...and i dont want that. i also want to be a better friend. i need to be more compassionate. i would like to be granted more wisdom. i would like the gift of discernment. i need to go back to the heart of worship...to be genuine, not fake...no pretenses...i think its time i took some initiative

New Posts

2006-02-21T16:44:00.000-06:00

I had posted this stuff on my myspace...but decided this was probably a better place for my deep thoughts. so if any of you actually read my stuff...check out the last 3 posts.

Matters of the Heart

2006-02-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

Matters of the Heart

Why is it that we can know and comprehend everything about a situation and still choose, against our better judgment, to disregard that knowledge and base our decision on the desires of our hearts rather than the logic and reason of our minds? We can choose to look blindly into impossibility and see only hope. We can choose ignorance over enlightenment. Of course we can choose, we have free will, but the astonishing factor is that we do choose to hope, against all measures of impossibility. So my question is: is it foolishness? Is it possible that the heart knows more that the head?

To answer that question, I find I need to take a closer look at its variables. King Solomon was a logical and rational man, but I have always believed him to be led by his heart as well.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding" (Prov.9:10) "To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue." (Prov. 16:1) "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Prov. 16:9) "A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction." (Prov. 16:23) "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." (Prov. 2:10-11) "Hope deffered makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Prov. 13:12) "A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered." (Prov. 17:27) "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." (Prov. 20:5)

Well, from this, it seems to me that the head and heart go hand and hand. I skimmed the entire book of Proverbsand this is what I came up with. But it still isn't clear to me. I believe in the power of emotion and its ability to cloud our judgement. I also believe in the clarity of thought that deep emotion brings. Yes, it is possible to feel irrationally about something, but when the matters of your heart are the result of thoughtful searching, then maybe it is possible to follow your heart even when it doesn't quite make sense.

But I guess I should also try to find out what "foolishness" really is. Is it the disregarding of your own safety? Well, add on "for a greater cause" and you find courage. Rahab threw caution to the wind when she hid the men of Israel in her apartment, knowing full well what the consequences would be if she failed. She had no real rational reason to do what she did. This was before the promises of God applied to both Jew and Gentile, sinner and saint. She certainly was no saint, and had nothng to hope for personally by committing treason. But she did. And it was good. Esther knew she could be killed for approaching the king, but she did it anyway because she felt God's calling to do it. So, is it foolish to hope beyond possibility? The Hebrew slaves of the Egyptians did, and God granted them freedom. The oppressed people of the world choose to hope for a day when justice will reign. We, as Christians, place our hope and faith in God and his son Jesus that he will return again for us one day. Is it logical and rational? No. Not always. That is why we call it faith. That is why we ask Jesus to dwell in our hearts and to transform our minds, because they are inextricably woven together in the fabric of our beings. So I believe that the heart and the mind go hand in hand. And that there are occasions where we see the world and know God more clearly with one over the other. I don't believe that I am wrong. I hope I don't make mistakes in following my heart. But I did find these words from Solomon to help me: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" (Prov. 27:5-6)

And this is the kind of woman I am: "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her lifeShe opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needyShe is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongueCharm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Selections from Proverbs 31)

Perspicacity

2006-02-21T16:34:00.000-06:00

no reason for the title, just a fun word. thought for the day: why do we--as adults--still behave like children? i mean seriously, what is up with all the drama people? i deal with teenagers all day every day and then when i try to join the real world with my peers all i find is petty dissention. ugh!
what is the most important thing in our lives? god. so lets start getting serious about it all. lets go back to ephesians 4:22-5:2. if our goal is truly to further the kingdom of heaven, to love our neighbors as ourselves, and to glorify god (maybe not in that particular order) then our words need to be uplifting to each other. our goal should be to rid ourselves of anger, to take on the attitude of christ: "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in christ god forgave you. be imitators of god, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to god." (v. 32-2).
whenever i find myself getting angry, or havving difficulty forgiving someone, i think of these words. if i call myself a christian and yet cannot live by these principles then i make a mockery of the cross. personally, i hate being mocked, why on earth then, would i wish to mock the one who loves me the most and sacrificed the most for me purchasing my soul with the blood of his own son?
there are a lot of things in life that we take too seriously. im all about being laid back. but when it comes to the well-being of others (esp spiritual well-being) then i dont mess around. no injury done to myself could be worth the defaming, the slandering and abusing, of another. how can i glorify a god of love with words of hate and scorn? now dont get me wrong, im not a 'feel good' christian. christianity does not typically feel good by the worldly definition. it is hard work. it requires sacrifice. paul calls us to pick up our crosses daily - to be crucified with christ - that is no laughing matter. it is no small thing. it is the ultimate price that we will ever have to pay in the name of love. but in comparison to his sacrifice, it is nothing. so why do we hesitate? why are we so frightened of what the world can do to us? we need to understand that we were "sealed for the day of redemption" (v.30) and we need not fear the world for these things will pass away but god will remain forever. the war has been won though the battle rages on. we will die fighting only to spend an eternity in the joy of exalting our lord. so lets pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, put back on the armor of god and get to work. we cant let silly things distract us from the task at hand. my prayer for you and me is the strength to allow god to fully take over our lives so that we might be able to do this.

The Power of God

2006-02-21T16:33:00.000-06:00

Growing up as a Christian, you learn about the power of prayer and how it correlates to the power of God. A lot of emphasis is put on witnessing and being a good example, but through the years I have begun to realize that there is so much more to it than that.
Now that I am in Texas and attend a Baptist (affiliated with though not in the name) church, I have begun to learn about election. It is a topic that frightens me a bit, because on a surface level it seems to contradict the picture of God that has been ingrained in my head since childhood. Because of this supposed contradiction I have hesitated looking more into the subject. It is something that I feel I will need to do a lot of research on before I can grasp it, and in the middle of the school year I do not feel I have that time to spare (but really this is another excuse).
There are some aspects of election that I can readily accept without fully understanding, such as the irresistability of God. Growing up Free Methodist, there is a lot of pressure put on the individual to witness. I was told that we are the billboards for Christianity, if we don't tell of God to the world, then who will? If we don't pray, then who will? Now, these concepts are crucial, their importance has not diminished at all. It is of vital importance that we witness and pray for the mass of people who have yet to accept Christ as their personal savior, but the decision of salvation is not ours. We cannot force it upon anyone else any more than we can actually make it ourselves without the will of God acting in our lives. He calls and we have no choice but to answer. No matter how much I pray or witness to a person, I cannot take the responsibility of their willingness or lack there of to submit to the will of God. It is encouraging to know that it is up to Him, not me. Out of obedience and love I will still pray and witness as best I can, but oh the relief of leaving their salvation up to Him.
It might seem a bit presumptious that I thought I had any control in the first place, and it probably is, but nonetheless, it is how my thoughts progressed. I am very logical, and after adding everything up, I couldn't help but conclude that if I did not witness to a person, then I must hold some sort of responsibility in the fact that they were not saved. I can say one thing in my favor, if someone did convert, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that their conversion was a miracle of God and I had no hand in it.
I recently read a fictional Christian book that dealt with an interesting aspect of this topic. The world was faced with the possibility that the Bible might actually be true, and the book gave an amazing image of what that might look like. It was beautiful to see how each heart and mind began to think of what implications that might have in their life. If the Bible is true, then what should I be doing? How should I be living? Even though these questions were posed to the world as a whole, it was amazing to see how individually each person responded and how personally God called on each of their hearts. It helped me realize even more the intricate and beauty to be found in God's plan. Though the book was fictional, the way God calls us was acurately portrayed. The only thing I don't fully understand yet is why/how we can resist him? If the Baptist doctrine preaches that God is irresistable, then how do we resist? Moreover, how come the doctrine also says that we are fully responsible for not accepting him? These are the things I need to look into.
On a more personal note, how amazing would it be if the people of the world really did believe that the Bible was true? Entirely true. So many people I know and love seem to live their lives in such a nonchalonte way, not really living as the Bride of Christ, or even expecting Him to return for her. The Bible is so serious! How can we get others to realize that?! I guess that is where we pray and wait for God to reveal Himself in a way as to make that claim irrefutable. How great is our God that He can and will do that just because he loves us?! Hopefully you will join in my prayer that the Bible will become real and relavent to the world.

venting

2006-02-14T22:11:00.000-06:00

ok - so can i just say how TIRED I am of everything? btw- deeper thoughts I have posted on www.myspace.com/apelila23 but this is my haven for how Im doing. things just keep happening to people around me. devastating things. and its wearing me out. i just want to retreat from the world, find some little eden of my own, and leave everything behind. not to mention it is valentines day - the worst day of the year - and im insanely lonely. and i will always be this way. and i hate being lonely because then my emotions mess with my head and my perception of reality tilts off course. ugh! i want to go awya, relax, rest, read, write...do things to make myself happy. someplace with water...hmmmm...we have the taks test next week, and this week is the end of the 6 weeks so i have to get grades in...escape please! my head hurts - im going to bed. sorry if this seems too depressing and down, but that is how i feel. most of the time im so introspective that i dont think about journaling, but it is when im down, hurt, or angry that i desire to vent and get it out - so if you are reading I apologize for the lack of good reading material, but i do appreciate the prayers. i need them so keep them coming. love you all!

sad news

2006-01-23T21:19:00.000-06:00

most of you received the email - but fyi, my friend's mom passed away last night. please keep her and her family in your prayers...

it just keeps going and going...

2006-01-10T16:45:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I put off writing? Journaling is so good for the soul, and writing--I believe--could be one of my passions. It is something I desire to do with every inch of my being, but I never attempt because of my fear that what I have to say will not be "good enough." So I have to ask: good enough for whom? Seriously! If this is for me, then what do I have to worry about? Who do I have to worry about dissappointing except myself? And maybe therein lies the answer: myself. I set these amazingly lofty goals for myself and never seem to reach them. No matter how hard I try it will never be good enough. Oh well. Big deal. I just need to accept that and move on.

So my life. The last two/three weeks of my life need to be added to Dante's inferno - maybe the eight ring of hell or something like that. Once again I had grading to do, but I had convinced myself that with careful planning and constant dedication, I could complete my task with time to spare. EH! WRONG! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200 DOLLARS! (Do I need to have the dollar sign and the word? Things to ponder...)

I basked in the sunshine of relaxation (otherwise known as 'winter break') for TWO WHOLE DAYS! Glorious. Absolutely glorious. But I awoke Monday morning to a sore throat and feverish body. Ickyness. Absolute ickyness. Now I have been seriously ill before - and this was nothing like that - but I felt zapped of all my energy. I laid on the couch. Occasionally I would roll off to grab a Kleenex or maybe use the bathroom--I even ate a couple of times--but no grading. I just didn't have the energy to pour over essays and projects.

As Thursday arrived, I began to feel better. I even started knitting a scarf (but grading of course would have been too taxing). By evening I decided I was lonely so I grabbed my school bag and headed over to my parents' house. The plan was only to stay for the night, but come Friday morning a new wave of sickness hit me. I stayed at home to pampered by my mother and before I knew it, it was Saterday morning. Now--keep in mind I have been sick for almost a week and during that week I had not finished my Christmas shopping (mom had been with me every time I went out before then so I had been unable to purchase her gifts)--my dad informs me that we are to leave around noon to head to my grandmother's for Christmas Eve dinner. Still feeling sick, I rush back to my apt to shower and get ready (I hadn't brought anything to my parents' house) and then I rushed to the store to buy a gift for my mom and grandma and made it back home around 12:30 which was OK because they had only just finished getting ready themselves. We spent the evening with family (75% of which were also sick) and got back home around 9. Mom convinced me to take some Nyquil (bad idea), we watched a movie, and went to bed. The next morning my parents had to drag me around. I was out the whole day. They even went out to the show without me because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. By this time I am seriously worried about my schoolwork but I also still felt miserable enough NOT to start.

Monday I went back to my apt with my parents to set up my new stair stepper (yay!) and have Christmas dinner (we decided not to on Christmas day). So no work gets done that day. Finally I find myself alone on Tuesday--and feeling much better--so I begin working on papers. Slowly. With the TV on. But nevertheless I worked all day long. Wednesday-repeat. Thursday-repeat. Friday Mom joins me to help me count ballots (winter dance stuff for Stu Co) and we work all day and then head over to my grandma's house again for a 'welcome home' dinner for my cousin Kim and her family who were visiting from Tennessee. We stop by my apt on our way back home and pick up all my work so I can spend New Years with my family. Saterday I didn't do anything but hang out - it was a holiday after all! But as I am tossing around on my inflatable mattress at 3 am, I start crying--realizing that there was no way I would be able to finish all of my work by the Monday deadline. So I get up and grade for a half hour or so.

The next morning I was up bright and early--grading. This continues all day and well into the night. I turned in around 1:30 or 2, beginning to feel the effects of the previous weeks sickness. Monday morning I'm up by 8 again, and I start grading. This I continue all day and even Mom decides to help me by recording what I have already completed into my gradebook. We work until around noon and then I head home, shower, dress, and head back to school to run some scantrons through the machine. Now, realize that I can enter my grades from any computer with an internet connection, but I decided to go to school because it was "grading/recording day" for those of us who werent finished. There was no time limit given to us and it was assumed by myself and many others that the actual gradebook would not be locked until the following morning as it had been every semester for the last 2 years. I worked at school until around 5 and then I decided to head home to get some food. Mom and I resume our grading and as the hours roll by the depression sets in. “Why did I do this to myself? I promised myself this wouldn’t happen! If I was a good teacher then I wouldn’t have this problem. Maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe God is speaking to me through failure telling me to ‘GET OUT!’” Total self-loathing ensues. And I HATE feeling this way. It is utterly miserable. Then I try to justify everything by the fact that I am so busy all the time I barely have time to breathe. “Why can’t I have a life? Apparantly teaching requires a special drive to complete all your tasks by sacrificing your personal life so therefore I should not be a teacher because I OBVIOUSLY don’t have that drive.” And we continue grading. As I am grading I periodically check to make sure the gradebook hasn’t been locked—it hasn’t. Finally around 2:30 am, I get online and check again and it is locked. WHO THE HECK LOCKS A GRADEBOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? Whatever. I went home and went to bed.

I got about 3 hours of sleep and got up and went to school the next day. I worked all day long, came home, graded papers, went to bed around 1, got up at 5, and on and on and on. Everday. All week. Grade corrections were due on Thursday at noon and I finished at 12:00 exactly. Of course, then I needed to count ballots. I had thought I would be finished on Friday but this was not to be. I spent all of my conference period preparing for the winter dance and answering people’s questions about everything under the sun and doing a gazillion other things for student council. So I go home and count ballots. Friday I count ballots. It has now been a week of only 3 hours of sleep a night (if you know me you know this is not good). Saterday I count ballots from sun-up to sun-down. Sunday I count ballots and my mom comes over to help. We threw the towel in around 1 am. I got up at 5, and started all over again.

Anyway – we finished the ballots, but after school I had a meeting. Then I had small group. Today I got home around 4. Tonight I have 50 more essays to grade. And in all of this I have been teaching, planning, and organizing several afterschool activities for student council. And so I ask: will it ever end? I’m so freaking tired! Why am I not good at this job. All I ever seem to do is work, and yet when I do have a holiday or vacation I still need to work. It just doesn’t seem right to me but oh well, I guess there is nothing I can do. But climb. So I will.

DSL I LOVE YOU!

2005-12-08T15:45:00.000-06:00

YAY! I finally have the internet at my amazingly wonderful apt. Havent figured out where Im going to put all of the cords yet, but oh well. So we had a snow day today! How awesome is that! Actually it was more of an ice day but oh well. Well now I will be able to write whenever I want to, but right now I need to finish putting up Christmas lights. Im having so much fun decorating this year - because Im decorating MY place...it feels good to say that :-)

exhaustion

2005-10-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

i think im getting sick. ugh. im soooo tired all the time and tonight my head feels a bit stopped up. i also had a headache when i got home from school at 4:30 so i just dropped into bed. life has been ok though. a little stressful and extremely busy. it seems i have something to do pretty much every day after school, and the days that i dont have anything, im sleeping to catch up. which leaves little time for actually getting work done :-( oh well. im looking forward to this weekend though - zorro comes out. yeah antonio! he wants to marry me - just in case ya didnt know ;-)

A better outlook...

2005-10-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

So everything is fine now. Yea! I was a bit worried.

Im still feeling very busy all the time, though I know I dont always spend my time wisely. I need to discipline myself to grade papers - but its just so awful! Tonight I have been catching up in my reading of A Tale of Two Cities - I needed to catch up to where the students were since I have never read it before. Im really liking it - though it is tedious and can get overwhelming at times. Its not one I can read in bed :-) Im also still looking for someone to take over billiards for me - or at least co-sponsor it with me. No one seems to be taking the bait though...

I finally picked up captivating again the other night. I had been talking with a friend on the phone and they made the comment: "I hope you have a wonderful time of worship tomorrow." I thought it was an odd comment - probably because I felt it so unapplicable to myself. Anyhow- I picked up the book and of course the next section was on worship. It was awesome. I really want it to be true for me - but I have a hard time worshipping. I mean - at church I am so conscious of everyone around me that I dont really get into it. Plus I dont know all the songs. Of course that is just a miniscule part of worship. The real deal comes in the attitude. The total adoration of God, through whatever means. This requires time. Quiet time. Time that is designated for Him and Him alone. This is where I truely fall off. I would rather sleep, or kill my brain cells while watching tv. It is always like this - why? Because after a day with kids, it is like a release and I dont have to think to do it. Pray for me for that. That I would be able to set aside time just for God. That my heart would be open and vulnerable to Him. That I would allow Him to romance me. That I will be able to worship him fully - with all of my being. Thanks!

Communication...

2005-10-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I've done it again! "First I would like to thank all those out there that helped me get to this point and win this award: the world, all those out there that just cant stand me, and all the fellow idiots that just didn't have their game on this month." Finally I'm a winner--doesn't matter that it is the 'loser-of-the-year' award--it's an award!

So what did I do this time? Well, I said something to a friend of mine that got way out of control.

You see, all friends have tiffs once in a while. I mean - it's part of being human. Small disagreements, unintentionally hurt feelings, intentionally hurt feelings, poor diction. Whatever. Another part of being human is storing these little 'misgivings' away for a rainy day. I've seen the vindictive side of human nature - we all try to deny it but we have all been guilty of it. You know - when you store up those little hurts without addressing them, until there are so many that you have no where else to store them so all that frustration spews out onto the poor, innocent, by-standing world around you. Being the logical person that I am - I forsaw this coming. And decided I wasn't going to let myself fall into the trap.

But we'll get to that later--right now you need more background.

I have a bad self-image. Not all the time, mind you, but there are days where my self-esteem rears it's ugly head, bares it's teeth, and spews harmful thoughts/beliefs into my head. This corrosive vomit blurs my vision and distorts my senses--creating visions of malicious intent where nothing previously existed. It was during one of these dislusional episodes that it all happened.

I felt moved to compliment a friend. That friend's response to the compliment was not what I planned on and I read into it too deeply. I was insulted. I felt patronized. I inferred that my friend's lack of true acceptance was a reflection upon what my friend thought of me. If my opinion wasn't valued, then I wasn't valued. The comment "don't put me on a pedastal" made me feel like my friend was arrogant, and thought me stupid. My feelings began to overwhelm me because I care for this friend deeply but often have trouble expressing it or understanding it myself. I don't know how to take my friend's comments sometimes, if I should read into them or how much I should read into them and that frustrates me and out of that frustration I automatically assume that within my friend's statements lies something derogatory about myself. So, naturally I pretended nothing was wrong and we ended the conversation.

But my mind doesn't stop there. I think about it. I read more and more into it. I conclude things that were never intended. And I know that it wouldn't be right for me to store all this up inside because it would eventually come out in the worst possible way, as I explained earlier. I saw that route--knew I must be mistaken--and decided I wasn't going to let something stupid like this get in the way of a friendship. The wound should be opened and cleaned so it could properly heal without any scarring.

Wrong move.

My friend IM's me. I say I'm upset. Of course my friend wonders why so I begin to explain. Who knew I was so inadequate with words. By the end of the conversation my friend was completely baffeled so I told my friend to forget about it, but to give me a few days to cool off.

Of course, I begin to think of this conversation incessantly as well. The ugly monster rears it's head once again to spew embarrassment. I feel ashamed for trying. I should have let it go. I must have sounded so petty and stupid. What will my friend think of me now? Will they be understanding? I hope so. Will they read into it? I hope not.

My friend read into it.

When I arrived at my computer late last night, this message was waiting for me:

I'm still confused about what happened, and I know we're not going to talk
for a while. But, I do want you to know that you are my friend. All friends, regardless of gender, have misunderstandings and miscommunications and
disagreements and hurt one another. You are important to me. If we
cannot be friends, then I will accept that. If there is some underlying
issue which in the future will keep us from being as open and honest with one
another, I can accept that as well. If you do not feel comfortable
speaking with me for fear of misunderstandings arising, I will respect your
wishes.

But please understand, April, that you and your feelings are important to me. We are different. We code and decode differently. All people do. I would much rather come to an understanding and save one of my closest and most meaningful friendships, than write it off as something which cannot be because I'm a boy and you're a girl. I will take some time to pray about this... but I am always
here and always willing to be your friend. That may not be possible. Though
I'm confused, from what you have said to me that may be how you feel. But
I believe in our friendship and I believe it is something which has been built
by the Lord and is mutually edifying. I will not be quick to discard that
or you.
Anyway, that's what I think and that's how I feel.

Parts of this message are sweet. But others just astound me. How could my friend think that I didn't want to be friends any more? And how could my friend be so ok with letting our friendship go? And what on earth is this "underlying issue" my friend is talking about? It makes me feel like my friend knows something I do not and is patronizing me with it. I know this isn't true. I know that it is just the monster distorting my senses, but it still hurts.

Now I wish it would all just go away. Erase it from history. I feel stupid, embarrassed, ashamed. I don't want to talk to my friend because of that shame. I HATE feeling embarrassement.

Time Time Time

2005-10-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

Since I moved out, I havent acquired a computer. So I never get to write :-( But Im house sitting for the rents this week so I thought I would have plenty of opportunity - yet still I put it off. I have so much to say but I never feel like I have adequate time to report it all. Even now, I need to be getting ready for bed, but I feel compelled to put a few words down.

Life update: stress. But Im surviving. Not by power bar - but power God. Thanks to Him! Plenty to say here, but I guess not really all that important.

Personal update: a little unsure of myself. I dont know that I can go into any more detail than that - but Im trying hard to discern what God is teaching me, what he wants from me - versus what I want for myself. Pray for me.

Super Busy

2005-09-20T16:16:00.000-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it is only Tuesday! And I have so much yet to do in the week! I feel kind of like I am burning the candle at both ends but I am hoping that soon I will settle into a routine. As you know - last week was trying. The book has been awesome though - except for the fact that I cant seem to get past chapter 6 (a call for action) so pray for that. The weekend was alright - a little tough emotionally but alright nonetheless. Parents bought a new car - and my grandparents found that memory chip for my camera (yea!) so those are highlights. But we are still having a very difficult time with the whole job situation for my dad and mom. Dad doesnt think he wants to accept the job in Florida because it would be too big of a risk with very little incentive (if you know what I mean) and he is thinking of working with my uncle (not the best thing because of many reasons - one being that my dad is no salesman). I would hate to see him try something like that and fail - because that would make him more depressed I think. But at the same time, nothing really seems to be opening up. Please just pray that God will open the door he wants us to go through and that he will close all the others. I dont typically let myself get stressed out about stuff - but now that it is down to the wire (2 weeks left) I am starting to feel the effects of worry. Its a lot like when my brother was in Iraq. I didn't let myself get worried or upset very often but that week before he came home I was a wreck! So pray for me too if ya dont mind. And also for a student of mine - we had to intervene in the home situation so I am a bit nervous about that. Ok - Im hungry! (and no bread at home) Later!

Captivating...

2005-09-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can tell from my last blog title - this hasn't been the best of weeks (lots of frustration - esp when the actual blog did not post, only the title). But - things are much better now thanks to some awesome friends. Tuesday evening I hashed it out with a good friend from college and lets just say that our conversation really hit home. This week has been so long, busy and frustrating that everything just boiled up and spilled over and since I am slightly emotionally handicapped (I'm working on it folks) I just didn't know what to do with all of the emotion! But like I said - the conversation helped immensely. Of course, to top it off, I was having self-esteem issues which are all too common in everyone's life, so I started reading this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Edwards (John is the guy who wrote Wild At Heart). My friends Nicole and Lindsie had been talking about it for a while and when Nic came to visit Wed night I read the first 2 chapters - I couldn't put it down! It is so revealing! And I really feel like this will help me really discover and understand myself, hopefully resulting in a better Christian, a non-emotionally handicapped Christian. So I want to share what this book is teaching me...

Chapter one discussed the self-doubt that most women have and it was insanely correct because after almost every sentence I said "yes" or "that is so true." Chapter 2 discussed the role of Eve - or at least the role she was supposed to play before the crap hit the fan. And Chapter 3 is the one I will discuss today, entitled "Haunted by a Question"

"We [women] struggle to know if we matter at all....If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children....most women doub very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil....[so we say] Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide....We are more keenly aware of our own shortcomings that anyone else."

Sound familiar? It sure did to me! But hold on it gets better

"Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? [no]....Most women hate vulnerability [right on!]. We are not inviting--we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security."

I hate being vulnerable - to ANYONE! That was the problem Tuesday night. I hate it so much that I struggle to be truly vulnerable and broken before God. Though I can't say that I try to hide myself, I am afraid of being seen - of people realizing who I am and rejecting me. Then the book goes on to describe the 2 types of women that have resulted from the fall from grace and this need for protection: the dominante and the desolate. I am a combination of the two.

The dominant woman "doesn't need anyone--especially a man." How many times have I said this, in passing, when referring to my love life? (or lack thereof). The desolate woman hides behind clothing and work because "seh does not believe she is worth paying attention to....[she] dismisses every compliment....[she] hides behind [her] humor....[she] will not risk rejectino or looking like a fool." Finally, "to hide means to remain safe, to hurt less....by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broke and desperate hearts."

wow. For all of the self-loathing that I am guilty of, I never once realized that I wasn't returning to God, that I should present him with my broken spirit instead of trying to hide behind a facade of strength. You would think that would be enough to learn for a chapter...but no. Then they went on to talk about indulging - something I NEVER thought I was guilty of!

"The deep longings in our hearts just won't go away. And so we indulge. We buy ourselves something nice when we aren't feeling appreciated. We 'allow' ourselves ... something when we are lonely....we give our hearts away ... instead of giving them to the heart of God....We imagine meaningful conversations or difficult ones where we speak brilliantly....too many movies [ouch - I had just bought Pretty Woman earlier this week to "make myself feel better"]When we camp our hearts in self-doubt, condemning thoughts, or even shame because those emotions have become familiar and comfortable, we are faithlessly indulging rather than allowing our deep ache to draw us to God....Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us inchains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice....We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God....[woman fears] that she will be abandonded....We do not first bring our heart's Question (am I lovely? do you see me? do you want to see me? are you captivated by what you find in me?)to God, and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so everyone woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."

Wow! That is all I can say. At least now I know that I am not crazy nor am I alone. That is comforting. So now I need to work on some stuff - and I will have to read more to figure out how and what to do. But basically, everything boils down to trusting God - accepting our feelings and desires and fears and presenting them to Him as an offering. But boy is that hard!

Well, Im gonna head home and sleep before the Rangers game tonight - have fun everyone!

I HATE BEING A GIRL

2005-09-13T19:48:00.000-05:00

I'm Back! ... kind of

2005-09-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

Well I dont know when I last wrote on this but I can say that a lot has happened since then. On August 1st I finally moved out of my parents house into my very own apartment. I love it! Especially since the decorator did such an awesome job! Oh wait ... that was me! I have been collecting artwork for years now with no walls to hang it on - but finally those pieces have a chance to be seen. Though my wall space is limited, I just ordered another photograph from an old college accquaintance (whose photos already adorn my walls). Check out this site www.explodingeye.com/disaster7.html you can purchase 8x12 photos for $25 and all of the proceeds will go to the American Red Cross Hurricane Relief fund.

Speaking of, I feel like a postor child for that organization. As many of you know I decided to take on the job of Student Council Sponsor this year (I think I was drugged) and boy has it been busy! Normally this time of year would be hectic for StuCo with Homecoming steadily approaching (Oct 1st - it was changed from Oct 21st to raise my blood pressure) but these past two weeks have been doubly busy because of Hurricane Katrina. I hate watching newsbriefs of disasters on television because I normally feel so helpless. For those of you that know me well - I cant stand not to be involved. If it is within my power to help then I want to do so. But normally I dont know how. Well, after the hurricane I was flooded with e-mails from the other staff members - all with the same question in mind: What was student council going to do to help? And then it dawned on me - this is our backyard and now I have the resources available to me to actually make a smidge of a difference. So on top of Homecoming preparations (which I am sorrowfully neglecting) I am in charge of a major part of our school's effort to help our new displaced students and those who are occupying much of our downtown area. We are raising money for the Red Cross everyday - when I get the grand total I will let you know but I can say that just one hallway donated over $100 in one class period. A fellow teacher and I (Mary Shelton) started a "Ranger Tree"(instead of angel tree - we are the Naaman Forest Rangers). We call ourselves the "Rescue Rangers" (dont laugh - alliterations are hard to come by) and the whole staff is contributing to providing the items that the families of our new students need. Its amazing to see the generosity. One man at school got a truck and filled it with 20 pallates of water (well maybe only 12 - he was asking orgainzations to donate but I dont think he received 20 offers) and he drove that down to New Orleans last night. Anyhow - the point is - it is amazing to see the efforts that are going on down here. And boy does it feel good to be able to help.

Well, I am going to go and hang out with my mom so I will leave you with another top 10 list...
TOP 10 REASONS WHY LIVING ALONE IS AWESOME:
10. I dont have to shut the door when I use the bathroom
9. I can listen to whatever music I like
8. I can listen as loud as I like (unless the neighbors complain)
7. I can take as many naps as I want and not have to answer for them
6. I dont HAVE to answer the phone
5. It's tiny and doesnt take long to clean
4. No one tells me when to clean
3. One word - solitude
2. I can lay around in whatever I want and NOT wear makeup
and the number one reason is...
1. I dont have to shut the door when I use the bathroom (yeah - i REALLY like that one)

SHHHH! Be wary qwuiet! Im hunting apartments!

2005-07-20T19:11:00.000-05:00

So I got back from vacation on Sunday night. Thats another story entirely! But right now Im apartment hunting and Im having such an incredible hard time! Why cant it be easy? Why cant I have someone else make these decisions for me?! agh!

I Feel Like Im Taking Crazy Pills!!!

2005-06-12T10:32:00.000-05:00

Well, for the umpteenth weekend in a row my parents did not go to church! And you wonder "why is she angry? is she worried her parents are falling away?" NO! Im angry b/c the only time that I get to spend ALONE is when they are gone to church. And they arent going! UGH! I used to skip church on Sunday mornings just so I could be alone, now I cant even do that! (how terrible am I? I know) I desperately need to move out, but I dont know if that will ever be possible. I need to get out so I can have my own space to work in etc, but I cant leave. I was going to move out at the beginning of the summer - then I changed it to the end of the summer b/c I was going to be gone for the month of July, but now I dont know if that will happen b/c my brother cant make up his mind as to what he is going to do (when he wants to visit - the whole point of me going up and staying so long was to spend time with his family and see my friends but now he might visit Texas during that time - meanwhile I still have to go up north b/c I have two weddings to attend). Now Im not even sure about the end of the summer b/c my dad might lose his job and my mom thinks I will need to help them pay the house payments. Well there is no way I can do that AND apartment payments. His job is so up in the air I dont want to wait around seeing what will happen b/c it will take forever. He will definitly be unemployed as of September, but will still be paid for a short time. (aka - I might be living here until Oct/Nov before I find out if they need me or not) and I HAVE to have a new place before school starts or Im gonna go crazy! With doing student council next year, Im gonna have so much on my plate, I will need a place to actually sit down and work. Right now I know my mom is just trying to be sympathetic so she has allowed me to spread my stuff out everywhere, but I can tell that she is beginning to get tired of it ... which would be ok b/c I could clean it, but I clean best when Im alone (w/o someone hovering over my shoulder telling me what to do) but Im never ALONE! ITs a vicious cycle people....extremely vicious. Im so dramatic.

stillness...

2005-06-08T13:12:00.000-05:00

stillness can be both good and bad
good: sitting quietly, reflecting on God and life, listening to Him, relaxing...all good things
bad: putrid air, fetid heat, no airconditioning, traffic...all bad things

thoughts to ponder. Thankfully I HAVE airconditioning, Im NOT going to work (so no traffic and TONS of relaxation) and I now actually have loads of time to be quiet and reflect and listen. YEA! woo-woo

so whats new with me? (other than the fact that I cant decide wheter or not i should capitalize my words) school's out! i spent all last week moving my room upstairs since i am taking the old stu co sponsor's place...that was a ton of work but i had help (thanks nic). i've been super tired...not really sure why. but i have been getting to bed at odd times and waking up at odd times, so now its time for me to develope a regular schedule.

i have a lot of things i want to accomplish this summer. i need to read: for school, for fun, for church...which is gonna be awesome! i love it when i have excuses to read! i have also decided that every saturday i will read one of the chronicles of narnia books...yea for cs lewis! im so excited about the new movie coming out - but nervous also, kinda like i was before lord of the rings...im just worried they will screw it up. but peter jackson did an excellent job (i started watching the trilogy again today-fav movies of all times...even over star wars *cringe* i know - its like blasphemy!)

i need to plan for next year - write lesson plans that is. this past year i lived day-to-day and that was way too stressful, esp. due to grading, so i dont want that to happen again. and since i actually know what im teaching ahead of time...i have a better idea of what to plan. except for english iv b/c i havent taught that before (ap this is...i taught regulars last year)

i have the ap conference to go to at the end of this month...speaking of - one of my coworkers who is going to that with me left today to bury his father in kentucky...we went to the memorial service last night - it was sad...its been a while for me...like 4 years or so since i had attended a funeral...pray for him! and i have some classes on the 1st and 2nd of august to attend to for my GT training. for stu co i am meeting with the kids on the 13th and we are picking out next year's homecoming theme (im crazy - i know - i cant believe i signed up to do this) and then fish camp is august 4th. yes, i have already received parent phone calls...crazy.

then i also want to finish up my scrapbooks for costa rica, prague, and alaska...i can do it! (thats my motivational speaker trying to get out) if i just sit down and get started, it really shouldnt take too long - the key is to budget my time between all of these things. speaking of - i need to get started! lata

p.s. yeah - and i planned on working out too so i could get hot before clark and erin's wedding...but i just dont see how that is gonna happen! agh! discouragement! where are you little motivational speaker?!