you know whats amazing???

...the internet. yes, thats right. after jumping through a few hoops, here i am, back on my blog that i havent touched in, yes, TWO years. craziness. so much has happened since then it is ridiculous, so im not gonna bother with the details...

on to today....

as always, my best times for blogging are when im upset. and the fact that i dont get to sit in a real chair while using the computer doenst exactly make matters better (the back pain adds to the headache you know?)

i think im sick of the holding pattern - so to speak. yes, i am once again referring to my relationship status. you know what i hate hearing? i hate hearing married women saying "i finally decided to just quit looking - and thats when i found him!" i seriously wonder how true that is. heres the facts: i dont look! or i didnt. my friends trained me to look for the ring, which made me more observant. but still - no more interest than when im driving down a road and realize there is a building erected on a previously vacant spot. i think "huh, where did that come from?" and i drive on and never notice it again. so sure - i notice guys. and i think "huh, i wonder what his story is?" and i move on and forget about it. if thats not looking, i dont know what is (or isn't???) do you feel me here? (and yes, i realize no one reads this and im talking to myself...but as i used to tell my students, talking to myself makes for good conversation) so here i am. moving forward in life, taking huge steps as far as my life is concerned, and what happens? a blip on the radar. a blip that wont go away. do you realize i havent had a crush since college? i mean - i dont even remember what its like to have a crush or how to behave myself! its ridiculous! its absurd! its distracting! and yet - there is still that pervading feeling (its raised from the dead b/c i know i suffocated it YEARS ago) that maybe, just maybe, this person could like me. wouldnt that be a trip? im a very logical person, and i KNOW it wont happen. i KNOW there is no way i will even be noticed unless i magically lose 50lbs or the entire world population disappears and i am the only one left standing. so my mind screams for me to drop it. i avoid the person. i make sure im not in the same room as the person. i am even convinced that this person is enfatuated with another person, but still that stupid feeling rises up....i would call it hope - but that word has too much of a good connotation. hope should never describe something so stupid and frivolous...bleh - i need a coke (the drink of course! geez what do you take me for)

so that little rant really doesnt mean anything. it is a grain of sand on the beach of my life. right now, things are good. i wonder what will happen with me...i wonder where i will end up...i wonder if i will ever be able to transcribe mandarin (one of my classes right now)...i wonder where i will be in 5 years. ive been thinking a lot about unity lately. it seems to be the topic of every church service i attend. ive also been thinking about the rich young ruler. we live in a material world and im a material girl...no - i dont look it, but i am. more than ever lately ive been thinking of what i will have to "give up" but i really need to see that none of it is mine anyway. in that sense, would it even be considered "turning my back" on these things? this is something i must think about further...right now it is a fuzzy cloud in my head...eventually i will make some sense of it...

my show is on now...peace