Monday, January 23, 2006
sad news
most of you received the email - but fyi, my friend's mom passed away last night. please keep her and her family in your prayers...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
it just keeps going and going...
Why is it that I put off writing? Journaling is so good for the soul, and writing--I believe--could be one of my passions. It is something I desire to do with every inch of my being, but I never attempt because of my fear that what I have to say will not be "good enough." So I have to ask: good enough for whom? Seriously! If this is for me, then what do I have to worry about? Who do I have to worry about dissappointing except myself? And maybe therein lies the answer: myself. I set these amazingly lofty goals for myself and never seem to reach them. No matter how hard I try it will never be good enough. Oh well. Big deal. I just need to accept that and move on.
So my life. The last two/three weeks of my life need to be added to Dante's inferno - maybe the eight ring of hell or something like that. Once again I had grading to do, but I had convinced myself that with careful planning and constant dedication, I could complete my task with time to spare. EH! WRONG! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200 DOLLARS! (Do I need to have the dollar sign and the word? Things to ponder...)
I basked in the sunshine of relaxation (otherwise known as 'winter break') for TWO WHOLE DAYS! Glorious. Absolutely glorious. But I awoke Monday morning to a sore throat and feverish body. Ickyness. Absolute ickyness. Now I have been seriously ill before - and this was nothing like that - but I felt zapped of all my energy. I laid on the couch. Occasionally I would roll off to grab a Kleenex or maybe use the bathroom--I even ate a couple of times--but no grading. I just didn't have the energy to pour over essays and projects.
As Thursday arrived, I began to feel better. I even started knitting a scarf (but grading of course would have been too taxing). By evening I decided I was lonely so I grabbed my school bag and headed over to my parents' house. The plan was only to stay for the night, but come Friday morning a new wave of sickness hit me. I stayed at home to pampered by my mother and before I knew it, it was Saterday morning. Now--keep in mind I have been sick for almost a week and during that week I had not finished my Christmas shopping (mom had been with me every time I went out before then so I had been unable to purchase her gifts)--my dad informs me that we are to leave around noon to head to my grandmother's for Christmas Eve dinner. Still feeling sick, I rush back to my apt to shower and get ready (I hadn't brought anything to my parents' house) and then I rushed to the store to buy a gift for my mom and grandma and made it back home around 12:30 which was OK because they had only just finished getting ready themselves. We spent the evening with family (75% of which were also sick) and got back home around 9. Mom convinced me to take some Nyquil (bad idea), we watched a movie, and went to bed. The next morning my parents had to drag me around. I was out the whole day. They even went out to the show without me because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. By this time I am seriously worried about my schoolwork but I also still felt miserable enough NOT to start.
Monday I went back to my apt with my parents to set up my new stair stepper (yay!) and have Christmas dinner (we decided not to on Christmas day). So no work gets done that day. Finally I find myself alone on Tuesday--and feeling much better--so I begin working on papers. Slowly. With the TV on. But nevertheless I worked all day long. Wednesday-repeat. Thursday-repeat. Friday Mom joins me to help me count ballots (winter dance stuff for Stu Co) and we work all day and then head over to my grandma's house again for a 'welcome home' dinner for my cousin Kim and her family who were visiting from Tennessee. We stop by my apt on our way back home and pick up all my work so I can spend New Years with my family. Saterday I didn't do anything but hang out - it was a holiday after all! But as I am tossing around on my inflatable mattress at 3 am, I start crying--realizing that there was no way I would be able to finish all of my work by the Monday deadline. So I get up and grade for a half hour or so.
The next morning I was up bright and early--grading. This continues all day and well into the night. I turned in around 1:30 or 2, beginning to feel the effects of the previous weeks sickness. Monday morning I'm up by 8 again, and I start grading. This I continue all day and even Mom decides to help me by recording what I have already completed into my gradebook. We work until around noon and then I head home, shower, dress, and head back to school to run some scantrons through the machine. Now, realize that I can enter my grades from any computer with an internet connection, but I decided to go to school because it was "grading/recording day" for those of us who werent finished. There was no time limit given to us and it was assumed by myself and many others that the actual gradebook would not be locked until the following morning as it had been every semester for the last 2 years. I worked at school until around 5 and then I decided to head home to get some food. Mom and I resume our grading and as the hours roll by the depression sets in. “Why did I do this to myself? I promised myself this wouldn’t happen! If I was a good teacher then I wouldn’t have this problem. Maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe God is speaking to me through failure telling me to ‘GET OUT!’” Total self-loathing ensues. And I HATE feeling this way. It is utterly miserable. Then I try to justify everything by the fact that I am so busy all the time I barely have time to breathe. “Why can’t I have a life? Apparantly teaching requires a special drive to complete all your tasks by sacrificing your personal life so therefore I should not be a teacher because I OBVIOUSLY don’t have that drive.” And we continue grading. As I am grading I periodically check to make sure the gradebook hasn’t been locked—it hasn’t. Finally around 2:30 am, I get online and check again and it is locked. WHO THE HECK LOCKS A GRADEBOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? Whatever. I went home and went to bed.
I got about 3 hours of sleep and got up and went to school the next day. I worked all day long, came home, graded papers, went to bed around 1, got up at 5, and on and on and on. Everday. All week. Grade corrections were due on Thursday at noon and I finished at 12:00 exactly. Of course, then I needed to count ballots. I had thought I would be finished on Friday but this was not to be. I spent all of my conference period preparing for the winter dance and answering people’s questions about everything under the sun and doing a gazillion other things for student council. So I go home and count ballots. Friday I count ballots. It has now been a week of only 3 hours of sleep a night (if you know me you know this is not good). Saterday I count ballots from sun-up to sun-down. Sunday I count ballots and my mom comes over to help. We threw the towel in around 1 am. I got up at 5, and started all over again.
Anyway – we finished the ballots, but after school I had a meeting. Then I had small group. Today I got home around 4. Tonight I have 50 more essays to grade. And in all of this I have been teaching, planning, and organizing several afterschool activities for student council. And so I ask: will it ever end? I’m so freaking tired! Why am I not good at this job. All I ever seem to do is work, and yet when I do have a holiday or vacation I still need to work. It just doesn’t seem right to me but oh well, I guess there is nothing I can do. But climb. So I will.
So my life. The last two/three weeks of my life need to be added to Dante's inferno - maybe the eight ring of hell or something like that. Once again I had grading to do, but I had convinced myself that with careful planning and constant dedication, I could complete my task with time to spare. EH! WRONG! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200 DOLLARS! (Do I need to have the dollar sign and the word? Things to ponder...)
I basked in the sunshine of relaxation (otherwise known as 'winter break') for TWO WHOLE DAYS! Glorious. Absolutely glorious. But I awoke Monday morning to a sore throat and feverish body. Ickyness. Absolute ickyness. Now I have been seriously ill before - and this was nothing like that - but I felt zapped of all my energy. I laid on the couch. Occasionally I would roll off to grab a Kleenex or maybe use the bathroom--I even ate a couple of times--but no grading. I just didn't have the energy to pour over essays and projects.
As Thursday arrived, I began to feel better. I even started knitting a scarf (but grading of course would have been too taxing). By evening I decided I was lonely so I grabbed my school bag and headed over to my parents' house. The plan was only to stay for the night, but come Friday morning a new wave of sickness hit me. I stayed at home to pampered by my mother and before I knew it, it was Saterday morning. Now--keep in mind I have been sick for almost a week and during that week I had not finished my Christmas shopping (mom had been with me every time I went out before then so I had been unable to purchase her gifts)--my dad informs me that we are to leave around noon to head to my grandmother's for Christmas Eve dinner. Still feeling sick, I rush back to my apt to shower and get ready (I hadn't brought anything to my parents' house) and then I rushed to the store to buy a gift for my mom and grandma and made it back home around 12:30 which was OK because they had only just finished getting ready themselves. We spent the evening with family (75% of which were also sick) and got back home around 9. Mom convinced me to take some Nyquil (bad idea), we watched a movie, and went to bed. The next morning my parents had to drag me around. I was out the whole day. They even went out to the show without me because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. By this time I am seriously worried about my schoolwork but I also still felt miserable enough NOT to start.
Monday I went back to my apt with my parents to set up my new stair stepper (yay!) and have Christmas dinner (we decided not to on Christmas day). So no work gets done that day. Finally I find myself alone on Tuesday--and feeling much better--so I begin working on papers. Slowly. With the TV on. But nevertheless I worked all day long. Wednesday-repeat. Thursday-repeat. Friday Mom joins me to help me count ballots (winter dance stuff for Stu Co) and we work all day and then head over to my grandma's house again for a 'welcome home' dinner for my cousin Kim and her family who were visiting from Tennessee. We stop by my apt on our way back home and pick up all my work so I can spend New Years with my family. Saterday I didn't do anything but hang out - it was a holiday after all! But as I am tossing around on my inflatable mattress at 3 am, I start crying--realizing that there was no way I would be able to finish all of my work by the Monday deadline. So I get up and grade for a half hour or so.
The next morning I was up bright and early--grading. This continues all day and well into the night. I turned in around 1:30 or 2, beginning to feel the effects of the previous weeks sickness. Monday morning I'm up by 8 again, and I start grading. This I continue all day and even Mom decides to help me by recording what I have already completed into my gradebook. We work until around noon and then I head home, shower, dress, and head back to school to run some scantrons through the machine. Now, realize that I can enter my grades from any computer with an internet connection, but I decided to go to school because it was "grading/recording day" for those of us who werent finished. There was no time limit given to us and it was assumed by myself and many others that the actual gradebook would not be locked until the following morning as it had been every semester for the last 2 years. I worked at school until around 5 and then I decided to head home to get some food. Mom and I resume our grading and as the hours roll by the depression sets in. “Why did I do this to myself? I promised myself this wouldn’t happen! If I was a good teacher then I wouldn’t have this problem. Maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe God is speaking to me through failure telling me to ‘GET OUT!’” Total self-loathing ensues. And I HATE feeling this way. It is utterly miserable. Then I try to justify everything by the fact that I am so busy all the time I barely have time to breathe. “Why can’t I have a life? Apparantly teaching requires a special drive to complete all your tasks by sacrificing your personal life so therefore I should not be a teacher because I OBVIOUSLY don’t have that drive.” And we continue grading. As I am grading I periodically check to make sure the gradebook hasn’t been locked—it hasn’t. Finally around 2:30 am, I get online and check again and it is locked. WHO THE HECK LOCKS A GRADEBOOK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? Whatever. I went home and went to bed.
I got about 3 hours of sleep and got up and went to school the next day. I worked all day long, came home, graded papers, went to bed around 1, got up at 5, and on and on and on. Everday. All week. Grade corrections were due on Thursday at noon and I finished at 12:00 exactly. Of course, then I needed to count ballots. I had thought I would be finished on Friday but this was not to be. I spent all of my conference period preparing for the winter dance and answering people’s questions about everything under the sun and doing a gazillion other things for student council. So I go home and count ballots. Friday I count ballots. It has now been a week of only 3 hours of sleep a night (if you know me you know this is not good). Saterday I count ballots from sun-up to sun-down. Sunday I count ballots and my mom comes over to help. We threw the towel in around 1 am. I got up at 5, and started all over again.
Anyway – we finished the ballots, but after school I had a meeting. Then I had small group. Today I got home around 4. Tonight I have 50 more essays to grade. And in all of this I have been teaching, planning, and organizing several afterschool activities for student council. And so I ask: will it ever end? I’m so freaking tired! Why am I not good at this job. All I ever seem to do is work, and yet when I do have a holiday or vacation I still need to work. It just doesn’t seem right to me but oh well, I guess there is nothing I can do. But climb. So I will.
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