exhaustion

i think im getting sick. ugh. im soooo tired all the time and tonight my head feels a bit stopped up. i also had a headache when i got home from school at 4:30 so i just dropped into bed. life has been ok though. a little stressful and extremely busy. it seems i have something to do pretty much every day after school, and the days that i dont have anything, im sleeping to catch up. which leaves little time for actually getting work done :-( oh well. im looking forward to this weekend though - zorro comes out. yeah antonio! he wants to marry me - just in case ya didnt know ;-)

A better outlook...

So everything is fine now. Yea! I was a bit worried.

Im still feeling very busy all the time, though I know I dont always spend my time wisely. I need to discipline myself to grade papers - but its just so awful! Tonight I have been catching up in my reading of A Tale of Two Cities - I needed to catch up to where the students were since I have never read it before. Im really liking it - though it is tedious and can get overwhelming at times. Its not one I can read in bed :-) Im also still looking for someone to take over billiards for me - or at least co-sponsor it with me. No one seems to be taking the bait though...

I finally picked up captivating again the other night. I had been talking with a friend on the phone and they made the comment: "I hope you have a wonderful time of worship tomorrow." I thought it was an odd comment - probably because I felt it so unapplicable to myself. Anyhow- I picked up the book and of course the next section was on worship. It was awesome. I really want it to be true for me - but I have a hard time worshipping. I mean - at church I am so conscious of everyone around me that I dont really get into it. Plus I dont know all the songs. Of course that is just a miniscule part of worship. The real deal comes in the attitude. The total adoration of God, through whatever means. This requires time. Quiet time. Time that is designated for Him and Him alone. This is where I truely fall off. I would rather sleep, or kill my brain cells while watching tv. It is always like this - why? Because after a day with kids, it is like a release and I dont have to think to do it. Pray for me for that. That I would be able to set aside time just for God. That my heart would be open and vulnerable to Him. That I would allow Him to romance me. That I will be able to worship him fully - with all of my being. Thanks!

Communication...

Well, I've done it again! "First I would like to thank all those out there that helped me get to this point and win this award: the world, all those out there that just cant stand me, and all the fellow idiots that just didn't have their game on this month." Finally I'm a winner--doesn't matter that it is the 'loser-of-the-year' award--it's an award!

So what did I do this time? Well, I said something to a friend of mine that got way out of control.

You see, all friends have tiffs once in a while. I mean - it's part of being human. Small disagreements, unintentionally hurt feelings, intentionally hurt feelings, poor diction. Whatever. Another part of being human is storing these little 'misgivings' away for a rainy day. I've seen the vindictive side of human nature - we all try to deny it but we have all been guilty of it. You know - when you store up those little hurts without addressing them, until there are so many that you have no where else to store them so all that frustration spews out onto the poor, innocent, by-standing world around you. Being the logical person that I am - I forsaw this coming. And decided I wasn't going to let myself fall into the trap.

But we'll get to that later--right now you need more background.

I have a bad self-image. Not all the time, mind you, but there are days where my self-esteem rears it's ugly head, bares it's teeth, and spews harmful thoughts/beliefs into my head. This corrosive vomit blurs my vision and distorts my senses--creating visions of malicious intent where nothing previously existed. It was during one of these dislusional episodes that it all happened.

I felt moved to compliment a friend. That friend's response to the compliment was not what I planned on and I read into it too deeply. I was insulted. I felt patronized. I inferred that my friend's lack of true acceptance was a reflection upon what my friend thought of me. If my opinion wasn't valued, then I wasn't valued. The comment "don't put me on a pedastal" made me feel like my friend was arrogant, and thought me stupid. My feelings began to overwhelm me because I care for this friend deeply but often have trouble expressing it or understanding it myself. I don't know how to take my friend's comments sometimes, if I should read into them or how much I should read into them and that frustrates me and out of that frustration I automatically assume that within my friend's statements lies something derogatory about myself. So, naturally I pretended nothing was wrong and we ended the conversation.

But my mind doesn't stop there. I think about it. I read more and more into it. I conclude things that were never intended. And I know that it wouldn't be right for me to store all this up inside because it would eventually come out in the worst possible way, as I explained earlier. I saw that route--knew I must be mistaken--and decided I wasn't going to let something stupid like this get in the way of a friendship. The wound should be opened and cleaned so it could properly heal without any scarring.

Wrong move.

My friend IM's me. I say I'm upset. Of course my friend wonders why so I begin to explain. Who knew I was so inadequate with words. By the end of the conversation my friend was completely baffeled so I told my friend to forget about it, but to give me a few days to cool off.

Of course, I begin to think of this conversation incessantly as well. The ugly monster rears it's head once again to spew embarrassment. I feel ashamed for trying. I should have let it go. I must have sounded so petty and stupid. What will my friend think of me now? Will they be understanding? I hope so. Will they read into it? I hope not.

My friend read into it.

When I arrived at my computer late last night, this message was waiting for me:

I'm still confused about what happened, and I know we're not going to talk
for a while. But, I do want you to know that you are my friend. All friends, regardless of gender, have misunderstandings and miscommunications and
disagreements and hurt one another. You are important to me. If we
cannot be friends, then I will accept that. If there is some underlying
issue which in the future will keep us from being as open and honest with one
another, I can accept that as well. If you do not feel comfortable
speaking with me for fear of misunderstandings arising, I will respect your
wishes.

But please understand, April, that you and your feelings are important to me. We are different. We code and decode differently. All people do. I would much rather come to an understanding and save one of my closest and most meaningful friendships, than write it off as something which cannot be because I'm a boy and you're a girl. I will take some time to pray about this... but I am always
here and always willing to be your friend. That may not be possible. Though
I'm confused, from what you have said to me that may be how you feel. But
I believe in our friendship and I believe it is something which has been built
by the Lord and is mutually edifying. I will not be quick to discard that
or you.

Anyway, that's what I think and that's how I feel.

Parts of this message are sweet. But others just astound me. How could my friend think that I didn't want to be friends any more? And how could my friend be so ok with letting our friendship go? And what on earth is this "underlying issue" my friend is talking about? It makes me feel like my friend knows something I do not and is patronizing me with it. I know this isn't true. I know that it is just the monster distorting my senses, but it still hurts.

Now I wish it would all just go away. Erase it from history. I feel stupid, embarrassed, ashamed. I don't want to talk to my friend because of that shame. I HATE feeling embarrassement.

Time Time Time

Since I moved out, I havent acquired a computer. So I never get to write :-( But Im house sitting for the rents this week so I thought I would have plenty of opportunity - yet still I put it off. I have so much to say but I never feel like I have adequate time to report it all. Even now, I need to be getting ready for bed, but I feel compelled to put a few words down.

Life update: stress. But Im surviving. Not by power bar - but power God. Thanks to Him! Plenty to say here, but I guess not really all that important.

Personal update: a little unsure of myself. I dont know that I can go into any more detail than that - but Im trying hard to discern what God is teaching me, what he wants from me - versus what I want for myself. Pray for me.