musings...

once again i find that i am bothered for no apparent reason. i believe 'brooding' is the correct term.

we've been studying Jonah in church and something about it upset me tonight. well, in general i can say that i have had a difficult time paying attention lately, i'm easily distracted by anything and everything. every now and again i'll realize i wasn't paying attention and then i wonder 'what on earth did i miss?' and what the heck am i thinking about while being distracted? anyway - beside the point right? so back to the lesson. here's the skinny:

jonah represents the church. when called by God to bring his light to a metropolitan area full of sinners, he becomes upset at the prospect of the people actually repenting and God showing mercy upon them instead of giving them what they deserve. so what does he do? he turns and runs in the opposite direction, to the farthest known point on the map from where God is calling him. one of the points the pastor is making is that the church runs and hides from where it is truly needed. we leave people to their own defenses. (ouch)

so jonah gets on the boat, goes below deck and falls asleep. meanwhile a storm ensues. the people on the boat use every possible means known to them to escape the storm, but to no avail. point: when we disobey, the world suffers for it. point: the world is seeking a solution to its own demise, but cannot find that solution on its own.

so the men on the boat ask jonah for help. and he tells them, 'yes, it is because of me. i serve the God of the universe and i am running from him and the only way to stop this storm is to throw me overboard.' and yet he is unwilling to do this. if he really feared the Lord, then he should have taken that step himself, but instead he tells them that they will have to do it, and they do the one thing he cannot do: they have compassion on him and seek another way out...which of course fails. eventually, after crying out to God they throw him overboard and the storm subsides and they decide to honor this God they have just met.

so jonah is like us. running away. unable to have compassion. caught up in our own lives. ignoring the chaos around us. seeking solace in church instead of being the church to those who are really in need. (ouch) withholding talents, time, and resources from people who are truly lost.

so what do we do about it? we go into the world as we are commanded and begin meeting people where they are, loving them, having compassion on them, and bringing them news of a savior.

so whats my problem? man, i don't know. it is easy for me to want to do everything and yet do nothing. confused as to where i should spend my time, i remain idle. why does this bother me so much when i have taken such huge steps (in my mind) to fulfill that calling? maybe its because i'm not there yet, and i still feel idle. maybe its because i feel selfish. there are things i don't want to give up. i think its impossible to stretch myself so far and there is no way i am smart enough, strong enough, wise enough, or kind enough to actually carry out what it is i am called to do. and why can't i really realize that of course that is all true, but it should not deter me because it is Christ within me who will give me what i need to do His will.

I think it was Aldous Huxley who once said "there is all the difference in the world between believing academically, with the intellect, and believing personally, intimately, with the whole living self." this is where i get hung up. how do i cross that line from head to heart?

a song we sang had the line "ruin my life, the plans I have made. ruin desires for my own selfish gain. destroy the idols that have taken Your place 'till its You alone i live for, You alone i live for." man i want this to be true for me. and yet it is still so hard.

sick day

i stayed home sick today - something i havent done in a while. boy did i need it. work/life has been so stressful lately, and i needed an extra day of sleep, which is pretty much all that i did. God is so good to me. I have a tendency to screw things up, but he always rights them again. when i feel overwhelmed, all i have to do is hand everything over to Him and i know He will make it all better. the problem is that i dont always remember to do this. i need more structure and organization in my life, so i can enjoy life more. i need to spend time in the word and in prayer, this is the foundation of everything. i need to be able to work out, for my health. i need to have time to write, to allow for my own creative expression and to boost my self-image. i need to have time to read, because this is what relaxes me the most and this is how i learn. i also need to have time to grade, so it doesnt pile up on me at the end of the grading period. im going to pray that God will make this all possible. i know He can. but, even in the midst of chaos, i need to learn to fully trust and rely upon Him, without waiting for this perfect schedule/lifestyle to materialize. We tend to grow so conditionally...and i dont want that. i also want to be a better friend. i need to be more compassionate. i would like to be granted more wisdom. i would like the gift of discernment. i need to go back to the heart of worship...to be genuine, not fake...no pretenses...i think its time i took some initiative

Perspicacity

no reason for the title, just a fun word. thought for the day: why do we--as adults--still behave like children? i mean seriously, what is up with all the drama people? i deal with teenagers all day every day and then when i try to join the real world with my peers all i find is petty dissention. ugh!
what is the most important thing in our lives? god. so lets start getting serious about it all. lets go back to ephesians 4:22-5:2. if our goal is truly to further the kingdom of heaven, to love our neighbors as ourselves, and to glorify god (maybe not in that particular order) then our words need to be uplifting to each other. our goal should be to rid ourselves of anger, to take on the attitude of christ: "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in christ god forgave you. be imitators of god, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to god." (v. 32-2).
whenever i find myself getting angry, or havving difficulty forgiving someone, i think of these words. if i call myself a christian and yet cannot live by these principles then i make a mockery of the cross. personally, i hate being mocked, why on earth then, would i wish to mock the one who loves me the most and sacrificed the most for me purchasing my soul with the blood of his own son?
there are a lot of things in life that we take too seriously. im all about being laid back. but when it comes to the well-being of others (esp spiritual well-being) then i dont mess around. no injury done to myself could be worth the defaming, the slandering and abusing, of another. how can i glorify a god of love with words of hate and scorn? now dont get me wrong, im not a 'feel good' christian. christianity does not typically feel good by the worldly definition. it is hard work. it requires sacrifice. paul calls us to pick up our crosses daily - to be crucified with christ - that is no laughing matter. it is no small thing. it is the ultimate price that we will ever have to pay in the name of love. but in comparison to his sacrifice, it is nothing. so why do we hesitate? why are we so frightened of what the world can do to us? we need to understand that we were "sealed for the day of redemption" (v.30) and we need not fear the world for these things will pass away but god will remain forever. the war has been won though the battle rages on. we will die fighting only to spend an eternity in the joy of exalting our lord. so lets pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, put back on the armor of god and get to work. we cant let silly things distract us from the task at hand. my prayer for you and me is the strength to allow god to fully take over our lives so that we might be able to do this.

The Power of God

Growing up as a Christian, you learn about the power of prayer and how it correlates to the power of God. A lot of emphasis is put on witnessing and being a good example, but through the years I have begun to realize that there is so much more to it than that.
Now that I am in Texas and attend a Baptist (affiliated with though not in the name) church, I have begun to learn about election. It is a topic that frightens me a bit, because on a surface level it seems to contradict the picture of God that has been ingrained in my head since childhood. Because of this supposed contradiction I have hesitated looking more into the subject. It is something that I feel I will need to do a lot of research on before I can grasp it, and in the middle of the school year I do not feel I have that time to spare (but really this is another excuse).
There are some aspects of election that I can readily accept without fully understanding, such as the irresistability of God. Growing up Free Methodist, there is a lot of pressure put on the individual to witness. I was told that we are the billboards for Christianity, if we don't tell of God to the world, then who will? If we don't pray, then who will? Now, these concepts are crucial, their importance has not diminished at all. It is of vital importance that we witness and pray for the mass of people who have yet to accept Christ as their personal savior, but the decision of salvation is not ours. We cannot force it upon anyone else any more than we can actually make it ourselves without the will of God acting in our lives. He calls and we have no choice but to answer. No matter how much I pray or witness to a person, I cannot take the responsibility of their willingness or lack there of to submit to the will of God. It is encouraging to know that it is up to Him, not me. Out of obedience and love I will still pray and witness as best I can, but oh the relief of leaving their salvation up to Him.
It might seem a bit presumptious that I thought I had any control in the first place, and it probably is, but nonetheless, it is how my thoughts progressed. I am very logical, and after adding everything up, I couldn't help but conclude that if I did not witness to a person, then I must hold some sort of responsibility in the fact that they were not saved. I can say one thing in my favor, if someone did convert, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that their conversion was a miracle of God and I had no hand in it.
I recently read a fictional Christian book that dealt with an interesting aspect of this topic. The world was faced with the possibility that the Bible might actually be true, and the book gave an amazing image of what that might look like. It was beautiful to see how each heart and mind began to think of what implications that might have in their life. If the Bible is true, then what should I be doing? How should I be living? Even though these questions were posed to the world as a whole, it was amazing to see how individually each person responded and how personally God called on each of their hearts. It helped me realize even more the intricate and beauty to be found in God's plan. Though the book was fictional, the way God calls us was acurately portrayed. The only thing I don't fully understand yet is why/how we can resist him? If the Baptist doctrine preaches that God is irresistable, then how do we resist? Moreover, how come the doctrine also says that we are fully responsible for not accepting him? These are the things I need to look into.
On a more personal note, how amazing would it be if the people of the world really did believe that the Bible was true? Entirely true. So many people I know and love seem to live their lives in such a nonchalonte way, not really living as the Bride of Christ, or even expecting Him to return for her. The Bible is so serious! How can we get others to realize that?! I guess that is where we pray and wait for God to reveal Himself in a way as to make that claim irrefutable. How great is our God that He can and will do that just because he loves us?! Hopefully you will join in my prayer that the Bible will become real and relavent to the world.

Captivating...

Well, as you can tell from my last blog title - this hasn't been the best of weeks (lots of frustration - esp when the actual blog did not post, only the title). But - things are much better now thanks to some awesome friends. Tuesday evening I hashed it out with a good friend from college and lets just say that our conversation really hit home. This week has been so long, busy and frustrating that everything just boiled up and spilled over and since I am slightly emotionally handicapped (I'm working on it folks) I just didn't know what to do with all of the emotion! But like I said - the conversation helped immensely. Of course, to top it off, I was having self-esteem issues which are all too common in everyone's life, so I started reading this book called Captivating by John and Stasi Edwards (John is the guy who wrote Wild At Heart). My friends Nicole and Lindsie had been talking about it for a while and when Nic came to visit Wed night I read the first 2 chapters - I couldn't put it down! It is so revealing! And I really feel like this will help me really discover and understand myself, hopefully resulting in a better Christian, a non-emotionally handicapped Christian. So I want to share what this book is teaching me...

Chapter one discussed the self-doubt that most women have and it was insanely correct because after almost every sentence I said "yes" or "that is so true." Chapter 2 discussed the role of Eve - or at least the role she was supposed to play before the crap hit the fan. And Chapter 3 is the one I will discuss today, entitled "Haunted by a Question"

"We [women] struggle to know if we matter at all....If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children....most women doub very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil....[so we say] Oh, forget it. Who cares anyway? Put up a shield and get on with life. Hide....We are more keenly aware of our own shortcomings that anyone else."

Sound familiar? It sure did to me! But hold on it gets better

"Are you comfortable trusting your well-being to someone else? [no]....Most women hate vulnerability [right on!]. We are not inviting--we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves, and control our worlds to have some sense of security."

I hate being vulnerable - to ANYONE! That was the problem Tuesday night. I hate it so much that I struggle to be truly vulnerable and broken before God. Though I can't say that I try to hide myself, I am afraid of being seen - of people realizing who I am and rejecting me. Then the book goes on to describe the 2 types of women that have resulted from the fall from grace and this need for protection: the dominante and the desolate. I am a combination of the two.

The dominant woman "doesn't need anyone--especially a man." How many times have I said this, in passing, when referring to my love life? (or lack thereof). The desolate woman hides behind clothing and work because "seh does not believe she is worth paying attention to....[she] dismisses every compliment....[she] hides behind [her] humor....[she] will not risk rejectino or looking like a fool." Finally, "to hide means to remain safe, to hurt less....by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broke and desperate hearts."

wow. For all of the self-loathing that I am guilty of, I never once realized that I wasn't returning to God, that I should present him with my broken spirit instead of trying to hide behind a facade of strength. You would think that would be enough to learn for a chapter...but no. Then they went on to talk about indulging - something I NEVER thought I was guilty of!

"The deep longings in our hearts just won't go away. And so we indulge. We buy ourselves something nice when we aren't feeling appreciated. We 'allow' ourselves ... something when we are lonely....we give our hearts away ... instead of giving them to the heart of God....We imagine meaningful conversations or difficult ones where we speak brilliantly....too many movies [ouch - I had just bought Pretty Woman earlier this week to "make myself feel better"]When we camp our hearts in self-doubt, condemning thoughts, or even shame because those emotions have become familiar and comfortable, we are faithlessly indulging rather than allowing our deep ache to draw us to God....Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us inchains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice....We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God....[woman fears] that she will be abandonded....We do not first bring our heart's Question (am I lovely? do you see me? do you want to see me? are you captivated by what you find in me?)to God, and too often, before we can, we are given answers in a very painful way. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so everyone woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."

Wow! That is all I can say. At least now I know that I am not crazy nor am I alone. That is comforting. So now I need to work on some stuff - and I will have to read more to figure out how and what to do. But basically, everything boils down to trusting God - accepting our feelings and desires and fears and presenting them to Him as an offering. But boy is that hard!

Well, Im gonna head home and sleep before the Rangers game tonight - have fun everyone!

I'm Back! ... kind of

Well I dont know when I last wrote on this but I can say that a lot has happened since then. On August 1st I finally moved out of my parents house into my very own apartment. I love it! Especially since the decorator did such an awesome job! Oh wait ... that was me! I have been collecting artwork for years now with no walls to hang it on - but finally those pieces have a chance to be seen. Though my wall space is limited, I just ordered another photograph from an old college accquaintance (whose photos already adorn my walls). Check out this site www.explodingeye.com/disaster7.html you can purchase 8x12 photos for $25 and all of the proceeds will go to the American Red Cross Hurricane Relief fund.

Speaking of, I feel like a postor child for that organization. As many of you know I decided to take on the job of Student Council Sponsor this year (I think I was drugged) and boy has it been busy! Normally this time of year would be hectic for StuCo with Homecoming steadily approaching (Oct 1st - it was changed from Oct 21st to raise my blood pressure) but these past two weeks have been doubly busy because of Hurricane Katrina. I hate watching newsbriefs of disasters on television because I normally feel so helpless. For those of you that know me well - I cant stand not to be involved. If it is within my power to help then I want to do so. But normally I dont know how. Well, after the hurricane I was flooded with e-mails from the other staff members - all with the same question in mind: What was student council going to do to help? And then it dawned on me - this is our backyard and now I have the resources available to me to actually make a smidge of a difference. So on top of Homecoming preparations (which I am sorrowfully neglecting) I am in charge of a major part of our school's effort to help our new displaced students and those who are occupying much of our downtown area. We are raising money for the Red Cross everyday - when I get the grand total I will let you know but I can say that just one hallway donated over $100 in one class period. A fellow teacher and I (Mary Shelton) started a "Ranger Tree"(instead of angel tree - we are the Naaman Forest Rangers). We call ourselves the "Rescue Rangers" (dont laugh - alliterations are hard to come by) and the whole staff is contributing to providing the items that the families of our new students need. Its amazing to see the generosity. One man at school got a truck and filled it with 20 pallates of water (well maybe only 12 - he was asking orgainzations to donate but I dont think he received 20 offers) and he drove that down to New Orleans last night. Anyhow - the point is - it is amazing to see the efforts that are going on down here. And boy does it feel good to be able to help.

Well, I am going to go and hang out with my mom so I will leave you with another top 10 list...
TOP 10 REASONS WHY LIVING ALONE IS AWESOME:
10. I dont have to shut the door when I use the bathroom
9. I can listen to whatever music I like
8. I can listen as loud as I like (unless the neighbors complain)
7. I can take as many naps as I want and not have to answer for them
6. I dont HAVE to answer the phone
5. It's tiny and doesnt take long to clean
4. No one tells me when to clean
3. One word - solitude
2. I can lay around in whatever I want and NOT wear makeup
and the number one reason is...
1. I dont have to shut the door when I use the bathroom (yeah - i REALLY like that one)

branches

Well, I had to take my roommate to the airport tonight. Talk about a bummer. It was so good to have her here, I especially enjoyed for her to be able to see my world and be a part of it. I've been living here for 3 years come ... well what do you know? It was 3 years as of last Wed. Anyway - she hadnt been able to visit me until just now and I think it sort of solidified things. I dont know if that makes sense to you - but it does to me. You see, I have witnessed her world-seen her day-to-day goings on and met her friends, that helps me understand where she is coming from and what is going on in her life. It also makes me realize that she definately has her own life now. I too have my own life - but I often feel like the "one who moved away." Like my being here is some sort of mistake. I feel (or have felt) like a misplaced item-a library book on the wrong shelf-the missing sock. Like the world as it should be is back where I came from, not where I am; I am just floundering about in some meaningless/nonexistent existence. (woo woo for paradoxes) Anyway - I like that she came and was able to witness my life - gives me a smidge more meaning, as though I have established myself on the face of the earth (ha - even though i still live with my parents).

Speaking of meaning..(coca cola is good) I really enjoyed the sermon this week at church. The sermons have been a part of a series titled "follow the leader" - all about how we are called to FOLLOW Christ. Not sit in the audience listening to sermons but actually getting up and following Him. Since I moved here I have felt as though I have been in a state of limbo. Neither coming nor going, doing apparantly nothing other than wasting 02. I have always desired to do something great for the Kingdom of Heaven (great movie by the way) but I feel like Im always waiting for that perfect opportunity. When I came back from Costa Rica my junior year of college, I was so on fire for God. I had so many plans and dreams of what I wanted to do, of how I wanted to help. Compassion had been renewed within me (I have difficulty showing emotion so basically that means that I was "ok" with stepping outside myself and demonstrating those emotions outwardly in a Christlike manner) and I really had hope. I had courage. I knew I would have to take certain steps and I felt I then had the courage to do so. But upon my return I was attacked by the evil one. I was reaquainted with Grief and Pain and it sent me into a state of shock. Not exactly a "downward" spiral, but definately a severe and utter stop. I felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean in the middle of a storm and it was all I could do to stay afloat, much less actually swim. Since that time I have lingered ... drifting in and out of depressed-like states, feeling as though I had lost. Though the storm has "subsided" I still felt breathless, out of energy, barely afloat...treading water in the same spot. Though I wanted to Follow Christ, I did not feel I had the strength nor opportunity. So sometime around August of last year I resigned myself to fact that I am probably going to be here for a while. I had looked for some jobs out-of-state and nothing was turning up so I accepted the job here at Naaman. After reading some John Piper I decided to accept the Student Council job at the school for next year (which scares me to death-but Im doing it - hopefully that is where he wants me to "follow") and on top of that I decided to do the apprentice teacher thing at church (which Sunday was my first time teaching - it wasnt great but it wasnt terrible) and Im slightly petrified of that as well. But - the sermon has been speaking to me and affirming that I am actually supposed to be doing these things. So, Im excited about seeing what this next year has in store for me. Keep me in your prayers.

Shanny I miss you already - love ya and come see me again soon!